The last flickers of a candle

Have you ever seen a person dying? Have you heard the cry of excruciating pain of cancer? Have you sensed the feelings of those who wait for death? Have you ever known their need for love more than anything in this world? This is a tribute to a lady lived her life, helping others live and sailed her boat alone to her destiny.

I still didn’t tell you who she is. She is my husband’s maternal aunt who remained a spinster to support the families of her sisters. She spent her money, energy, time and everything to take care of their families.

Yesterday I went to meet her with my sons. She is bedridden and can’t even turn to her sides. Lying down flat on the bed, she lifted both her hands to embrace us. She kissed and blessed us and lifted her arms up and prayed for each one of us. Her face and arms were yellow and she looked so different from before. Then she inquired about my sons and she was so happy when I told her that through her prayers and God’s blessings, they are doing well. She kept on telling “I am so happy to see you. God bless you!” and thanked God again and again. Then she would pray for God’s mercy. Again she called the kids and embraced them. She told me again, “I am so happy to see you. It’s been very a long time since we met. I won’t be here for long. In HIS time I’ll go.”

Two hours went by and though I somehow bravely controlled my flowing tears, I couldn’t stop caressing her and stroking her hair. She loved to be held in love and I saw in her a mother who never borne a child but gave life to so many children and grandchildren without expecting anything in return. I reminisced her lovely and lively company in the past and the fun we had, her laughter and words still ringing in my ears. Here she is, no eyes can bear her looks and no heart can contain the sorrow in her eyes. She spoke to us in Malayalam and English, though feeble, still in her best.  When a lady asked her if she is able to recognize us, she replied bravely “I am still conscious!”

One thing I didn’t say yet. It’s pretty hard to put into words, written or verbal. I’ll somehow make an attempt. In every five minutes or so, she would grin and close her eyes and express the intense pain that the cancer causes with a loud cry…AaaaaaaA….. writhing both her hands, a cry for help, a cry for some relief from the pain.  Those were the moments where we could do nothing but watch as helpless humans, feeling hard to even see her suffering.

It was time for us to leave. I had nothing to give her, except a blessed rosary. There was only one thing that she needed; a human touch, her relatives’ visits, someone to sit by her side. Helpless to stay there longer and unable to leave her all at once, I stood up. Then I asked her to smile. She gave us a beautiful smile which brought back life to her face and to our hearts. Before another agonizing cry could disturb us, we said ‘Goodbye’ with a smile and left her. 

Born and brought up in a small village of Tamil Nadu, thanks to her parents who were Keralites, she could speak Tamil and Malayalam equally well. Among the five sisters, she was the one who pursued her studies till post-graduation – a masters in sociology. She worked in Delhi as warden of Miranda House Hostel and she could handle Hindi and English so well.

I met her in May 1988 when my husband first came to see me in Kerala seeking a matrimonial alliance. Perhaps it is her charm and love that made me say ‘yes’ to the proposal! She was the main reason behind my husband’s success.  After completing his pre-degree, she took him to Delhi and he ended up being Editorial Assistant in WHO, Geneva.

She has travelled to many countries and my husband was blessed with an opportunity to take her around Switzerland.  She loved, she cared and because of her, many had the privilege to come up in life.

In her sixties, she underwent a surgery for colon cancer after which she never wore her ornaments. She gave away all her jewels to all the ladies in the family and to me, she gifted a diamond ring.

Her favourite pastime was watching the television, playing cards and caroms. She was a voracious reader of novels, especially those of Agatha Christie, Thomas Hardy. She is a good cook and her cakes were too special. She has her own flat at Anna Nagar, Chennai. She loved to laugh and to be happy. When she couldn’t be independent, she moved to an aged home run by her niece. Till then, she used to send us cards for Christmas and Birthday every year and enclose a cheque of 800 rupees for four of us.

After two falls and two surgeries her movement was restricted. But she did everything she could do regardless of her physical conditions excepting her weekly trip by bus to a far away church as a pilgrimage. Her sweet smile and swift short steps made her different from others. A well wisher of all, she lived her life as a sacrifice for many.

Before going to the aged home, she distributed her sarees to the ladies of the house. I have her beautiful sarees, silk and cotton, the last one given was a silk saree, when I went to visit her in the aged home. It was still in its box, may be someone had given it to her as a gift.

She witnessed the loss of many in the family including all her sisters, some young, some old. Now she is 89. A few weeks back she got admitted to a hospital to be treated for jaundice. But further examinations revealed the cause of her elevated level of bilirubin was due to cancer attacking her liver. As she is not fit for a major surgery, there wasn’t much the hospital could do and she was taken back to the aged home.

Thank God that she still doesn’t know that she is suffering from cancer. But she knows well that she is going to leave any time, soon. She has nothing to leave behind except the love that she has planted in our hearts. She has no child to worry about. But we, a few, are sad about losing a mother.

I don’t know if she has hours, days or a month to leave us. That doesn’t make any difference. What she was and what still is, matters. And the fact that she is spending her last moments only to communicate with God, is surely consoling. No hands can be more loving than God’s and no home can be better than Heaven. She has almost finished her race on Earth and may God help her to take the last few steps towards Him. 

She lived up to her name “Thangam” and I’m sure that she’ll shine like gold Eternally.  Love you my dearest Thangam Aunty. I don’t ask you to stay back. But it’s so hard to say ‘Goodbye’