My joyride in a toy train!

I was in the fourth grade when my school took us for an excursion to Malampuzha. For an innocent, ignorant child everything was a wonder. I couldn't believe that many new things that I saw could be real. I was overjoyed when we reached the playground near the dam. It was the first time that I saw such a big vast area with swing, see- saw, toy train, merry-go-round and a lot of place to run and many things to play with.

The merry-go-round had little wooden horses to sit on, which would go faster and higher as it moves. The guys put me on a horse and I felt that it was not steady. But they told me to hold it tight and not to worry. It started rotating and still I wasn't confident about the horse which was turning to each side. As it caught speed, I lost my balance and was thrown to the ground.

I was a child who'd never show out any pain or any emotions, remained calm with a kerchief tied around my wrist by my teacher. I was almost fainting of pain and when I was a bit better I saw all the other kids happily sitting on a toy train. A train that's so small and yet runs: it was too much for me to believe. I thought they are waiting for me, till I heard my teachers told me that it’s better for me not to go for the ride. Suddenly when the tiny train moved on the little rails, I thought I have come to a magical world, but I could not be the part of that world. It was one of the worst hurt that my heart ever received!

Then I saw all my friends waving at me from the train as it moved and I was hit by the saddest reality that I missed the chance of riding in that magic train. No words, no tears, only I could feel my heart breaking and my head twisting; not because of my broken wrist, but because of my broken dream of riding on that magic train with my friends. But I was silent about everything and no one knew how much my body and heart ached.

We were back at the boarding school and it was after two months that someone noticed that my wrist was twisted a bit. My parents came and took me to the hospital and the X-ray showed that a bone was broken and got stuck to the other. I had to undergo a surgery and bear the irritation of the plaster of Paris and weight of the sling on my neck and the incapacity to use that hand for anything. Still I was silent. After two months, we went back to the hospital to remove the plaster. One guy took a big scissor and inserted it through the plaster. I felt the scissors which pricked me and I told that man apparently drunk, that it will cut my flesh. He laughed at me and told me that he can’t cut it without the scissors touching me; but knew that the scissors have wounded me. Somehow the thick plaster had to be removed and we saw a bleeding one inch wound and the wrinkled skin. The doctor put a few sutures and I bore everything quietly.

As an adult, I did many of the things which I missed doing my childhood; but I didn’t have a way to become a child and the toy train ride would never come true. I used to tell about my biggest loss in all my ages and stages of my life. I hated the merry-go-round and thought of the toy train as a dream that’s never going to happen.

My husband was the person who listened to this story whenever I narrated to others. The narration would bring tears whenever I say ‘the train moved on the rails without taking me and I was watching and when my friends waved me bye!’ Nothing and no one could take me back to my childhood or put me on the toy train!

One day as I was sobbing at the end of the story, my husband asked me; ‘You missed the ride, right?’ Yes’, I said hopelessly. Then he said; ‘you can still take a ride in the toy train at the lakeside?’ So, my husband took two tickets from the counter and I got into the train with my little son and went on the toy train at Lausanne, Switzerland, where we lived those days. I took my seat and I felt like a little girl and both of us waved bye to my husband who didn't want to take a ride, but wanted to see our happiness. The train took us in the streets of Lausanne I was the happiest kid on the train! After the long ride, we got out of the toy train and my heart was healed. Never again I cried when I narrated the story; but I end it with a smile of gratitude to God and my husband.

I understood that day that life is a continuous story and any missed pages can be written again or write something else to make the story going. And if nothing is possible, something else will be written by God through someone, which will complete the story and make it more beautiful than we could ever imagine!

Mile stones of Parathode: To my Grandma Dearest

Who could she be & what would she be?
She comes to the screen of my past
Old were the days and stupid were the rules
Where someone had to sacrifice for someone else to live!

And always the Gen Next got the best
Yet they have not a thing that’s worth to reciprocate
Gone are the days and times where people looked at her moves
Now people come to see her as she can hardly move.

In the past, right or wrong, they had no say in things
They did what was asked, lived as they were supposed to be
Eat or not eat, they served others
Tiredness or laziness weren't heard those days.

Now, as she curls up like a babe in the womb
And fights and shouts as a kid would do
When she can't even understand that she is pretty old
I wonder what her thoughts are and what she desires!

When frustration defeats and loneliness scares her
When she has to listen to the Next Gens' words
Humiliation and helplessness hopelessly hurt her
When none can convince her that she's loved no matter what

A woman of grit, a source of will power
A woman who slept the last and woke up the first
A woman who survived the worst sides of pain
A miracle who revived to life after said dead!

It's not about what she is or what she does now
It's all about what she was and what she has done for us
The tears that flow from her loved ones’ eyes
Are the impressions of love that she has created in us.

Let's pray that she smiles and trusts our love
Though not her body or mind, but her soul be purified
Let the love of Christ touch her soul and make her trust in Him
And let God's will be done as her soul surrenders.

Children and Grand and Great grand children are far
God is near and enough to meet her needs  in the desert
Let no one but Him be her refuge and fortress
As He knows what hurts her and will bring comfort to her!

I’ve heard her stories and seen her work like a busy bee
I’ve tasted not only her food, but more than that, her love
Hers were the fastest feet on the roads
As in her thoughts were nothing but her home and family

‘Industrious’ would be the best adjective I’d choose for her
Multitasking would be the verb that’s apt for her
She’ll be rewarded in Heaven, that’s my best hope
‘Minikutta’ is and will be the fondest word I miss!!

Memoirs of a family reunion - A tribute to our parents

Our most beloved Papa and Mummy, their children and their spouses, who became children of this family, and their grand children, my loving greetings!

We have gathered today to celebrate the meaning of the word 'Family'. Family is a gift and ancestry is a fortune that we have inherited from our parents and grandparents. 

The path which Papa and Mummy chose is unusual and unique. Choosing two paths which are different from each other, never relenting from it, never being afraid of anyone or anything, ignoring the failures and impediments that you encounter, doing what you think is right, with responsibility, without expecting anything in return, are the fundamental values of your life history.  Today’s gathering proves how much it has influenced your two generations.

Assessing love and success cannot be done by keeping them on the two pans of a balance. As gold is separated from its ore undergoing purification processes through water and fire at the goldsmith's crucible, when its colour changes to black, or when its shape becomes unattractive, when changes happen making everyone doubt it, your unrelenting, untiring, trust in your conscience and conviction, makes you move ahead. On the way, God has changed mere mud into pure gold and we have only His Grace to be proud of.

When many people advice, judge, comment, and criticize you, apart from feeling sad and angry for a while, you continue your journey by holding firm to your conviction. Though we cannot imitate you, all of us do acknowledge it completely. You are the revolutionists, who, instead of being a halogen light at home preferred to be a light on the wayside post, insisted that home is not a place where four people stay under one roof and our life is not to be confined to the four walls of the house, emphasised that even after marriage and after having children, we must do our duty and all the good we can towards our parents, siblings, relatives, friends, the poor, to the best of our ability, underlined the fact that education and job are the only tools that can make a man or a woman stand independent on one's own feet and convinced and supported the older generation to educate the girls and boys without differentiation.

As you both are the first-born in your families, you considered your siblings as your own children and even if they fail to remember it now, neither my brother nor I can ever forget it. Besides your parents, you took care of the parents of your son-in-law and daughter-in-law and called them 'Papa' and 'Amma' and you extended your help through your presence and prayers till their death, which we count it as world's greatest wonder. 

Though you could always shine like the blazing sun, you chose to be a burning candle, unnoticed by humans. Instead of a bungalow and a big car, your choice of living in an ordinary house open to everyone, and owning nothing but a Hero bicycle, may seem too weird to many, but to all of us, your children, their spouses and your grandchildren, your way of life has turned out to be an exemplary one, which all of us are inspired to follow. It is your simple way of life which we consider as the biggest gift that we have received from you.

You started your life with nothing when you had the chance to make everything. Though you lived without making anything and preferred to give to the needy, what you possess at the end are not just a few coins, but a few crores.  As you have kept even that to gift to your children and grand children, we don't find anything more precious to give you in return. But we will keep, for our grandchildren to see, the house and land near the stream, the trees that their great grandfather planted, the ornaments that their great grandmother made.  A lot of inspiring stories about you will be treasured, for them to enjoy. Today, what we and our spouses and our children can gift you is, a promise that we will strive to sustain love and will try to follow your path and never will lose our love and life, fighting over wealth or gold.

It is better to love when we all are alive than to cry after anyone’s death. It is better to forgive and be united than falling apart and feeling guilty. The question is not how many times we have fought each other, but how many times we have forgiven each other. By God's Grace we could, we still can and we will always be able to, and that is the biggest blessing that God has given us.

We lived 25 years together because you lived 50 years together. You proved that anyone can be forgiven and be loved. In our problems, instead of pouring oil and destroy whatever remained, you poured water to save us from being destroyed by fire. The patience and calm that you showed in crises surely was the strength that held us together.

Papa who is a lover of fruit trees and vegetables, and Mummy who loves flowering plants and ornamental trees  and two children who love all kinds of plants and trees. What a combo! We have inherited your extreme calmness and extreme anger and we are fortunate to have Xavy and Jaya, the two living and loving saints, who could bear us and hats off to both of them.

Our four children, who grew up in the midst of our scolding and punishments, love us a lot and look up to their Appacha and Ammachi as their hero and heroine. We pray that God will grant all the four of you the spirit of brotherhood and unity.

The sun rises every day, the moon and stars brighten the sky every night. A human life remains as an up-and-down journey from one’s birth to death. God has appointed some chosen ones to hold the ladder and help the people to climb up and to console those who fall down. They neither go up, nor come down. God's blessings protect them. My brother and I are fortunate to be born to such people of God and to have such people as our spouses. I pray to God that our children and all our generations to come must be blessed with the same fortune.

As the Bible says, even if a person has everything, but love, he is nothing. But for us, even if we don't possess anything but love, we have everything. May God help us to be united in love, to fulfil His will, to live experiencing His power! We don’t know who will inherit Heaven or Hell. But our Lord Jesus who told us that ‘The kingdom of Heaven is among you’ and that I am present wherever two or three are gathered in my name’. So we are sure that He is surely present here in our midst.  

Understanding the truth that God is love and love is the only way to Heaven, may we live, sharing the love of God. May God’s love enable us and bless us to tread the path of love together in God’s presence and leave for all our generations to come, an exemplary path which we trod with God.

On the eve of my Birthday, with thanks, Sindhu

My dear readers,

Tomorrow, 7th January is my birthday. I have passed more than half of my total birthdays of my life time. Yet nothing so remarkable happened on my birthdays or the New Year that followed each time. Looking back, I see the route of my journey and all I feel is Gratitude to God and to the people who were appointed by God who have any role in my life. The length of the journey can be calculated easily with numbers, and this is the mathematical answer.

48 years + 12 extra days of 12 leap years 57 months

13140 + 4392 = 17532 Days

17532 x 24 = 420768 hours

420768 x 60 = 25246080 minutes

25246080 x 60 =1514764800 seconds

I was born on a full moon day on 7^th January 1966 and since then the full moon appeared 593 times till now. At this point I am truly confused if I have lived all these years or was waiting for a time to start life.  

I don’t want to dig the past nor plan my future. I just try to understand my part on this planet Earth and find my path. When I stand at the middle of the ladder called life, I wonder if I was climbing upwards from Earth to Heaven or downwards from Heaven to Earth. To grow up is to be humble and to be mature is to be grounded. I feel that my life is settling down finally on some ground than hanging on a scary step of a ladder.

One thing is sure. I thank everyone and everything God sent to make me humble and grounded. And there are people and experiences that I met in my life were the books from which I learnt what life is.

The list is long and each and every one and each and everything in my life have taught me something or the other. Yet there are certain people who gave me an identity in this wide world, Dad, Mom, Brother, Aunt, Uncle, Cousin, Child, Friend….

I thank you all from the depth of my heart and may God bless you for being in my life. I failed to dream and to fulfill it. But wisdom still pushes me to fulfill God’s dreams about me.

Life is not the number of years we breathe. Life is something that even death cannot take away from us. Life never dies. I’m so happy to pass through each year as I believe that best is yet to be. I don’t regret the years that make me old; I am thankful for the wisdom’s call as I get older.

Thank God and thank you for helping me to lessen the burden of life off my shoulders and teach me to walk lighter and to enjoy peace. Taking so many years to realize the worth of life is a lesser crime than denying life. I take a new birth in each birthday and try to be better than the previous one.  

Thanks a lot, everybody, for everything!

Finally found my playground!

I wished for many things throughout my life. I was just at the back stage as a helper to the performers. I was never a great singer or dancer or speaker or actor. I never got any big prizes nor impressed anyone. I just dreamt, if I could!!

I wished to be a singer. I could sing with a group in school. But for solo competition, I would leave the stage after four or less lines, shivering and trembling. In my first year in school as a teacher, I was asked to sing and give a message. When the time came, my head was empty and my mouth was dry. I totally surrendered myself to God and went as an empty vessel. I could hear what I was speaking; but was sure that it didn’t come from my head. After a short message I sang the song. I felt good after singing it from my heart in God’s power and humbly accepted the compliments.  In my new school, I started with a solo for Teachers’ day and on many other occasions with my friends and I still continue it and enjoy every occasion to sing for the children.

I wished to be an actor; but never thought that I could. I was asked to act in my new school. In my first year I did an LKG baby’s part and I enjoyed it. The next year I wrote the script for a skit and was the narrator. That too turned out so well and we were immersed in the laughter and howling of the students. I was happy to make such a hilarious play with a twist that made all cry at the end. The title ‘Tears and Laughter’ was so apt for the play.

I wished to stand before the crowd and give a talk. I was asked to give a message for Christmas, and speeches on other occasions, which I did with ease. I was amazed each time how I managed to do these things with confidence and smile.

I wished to be a winner as I hardly won prizes after my primary classes. I never thought that I will, till my students compelled me to participate in the musical chair and badminton match. I ended up being the runner up of both competitions and received a trophy from the Principal.

I wished to be a dancer, but never did I dare to perform anywhere. This children’s day I was asked to dance and I did a ribbon dance wearing the student’s school uniform with hair plaited on both sides and tied with blue ribbon! I was thrilled with the applause of my students and to see the wonderment in their eyes to see me in their uniform. I enjoyed each step I took without any former practice and felt so happy that I enjoyed doing it.

I wanted to do many things as a student and all that I wished is coming to reality after being a teacher. There are still a few more dreams left and I hope I’ll be asked to do those things, if God wills.

The voice of an LKG kid, a Higher secondary student, and an old lady…I have rendered to my students. Or to put in another way, God took me in all the ways possible to make my dreams come true many times.

It was much fun to do with my colleagues than the students. Students want to portray themselves as grown-ups while we eagerly find out the child in us! There are a few more dreams that I dream and if God wills, I’ll be blessed by a stage to make them true.

I wished that I should never ever become a teacher. I disliked that profession as I didn’t grow or learn much during my school.  But the good Lord knew where my dreams can become realities and He made me come back to school to do everything that I missed to do at school. And now I realize that being a teacher is the only way for an adult to come back to a school stage. It doesn’t make any difference whether I did as a child or an adult.

I don’t want to waste my time in comparing and competing with others. Thanks to my kids who have helped me, cheered me and loved me. It is from you that I learned that anyone can do anything to the best of their abilities. I call myself a Clunyte as this is the place I grew up as an adult and as a kid.

I still remain a student, than a teacher. Teaching French is easier than learning the art of being myself and doing what I like. Each day that passes by, my students teach me to come out of the box and try new things and their cheers give me confidence. Whatever I try to do, I’m sure that my students are with me and I do anything to make them laugh and shout for a while.

So, being a teacher is a pretext to be on the same grounds with the kids and I hope and wish that I’ll do much more with them around. Losing my job is less scary than losing the company of my friends and students. And whenever I quit the school, I’ll quit rather as a student of children than a teacher of children. Always I’ll be grateful to Cluny management and teachers and students, where I could laugh and joke and even play the part of a Terror! At the end Clunytes will wonder what I really am…and I hope you know the real me…I’ll never keep a distance with any student which cannot be shortened with a hug! Love you girls, love you Cluny! And love to all my friends and my dearest family for your encouragement and support and for being there always to share my joy!

To my dearest students...on the eve of another Children's day...

Many times I've written to you in the past; either about me as a teacher or you as a student. Nowadays I don't see myself as a teacher or you as my students. This year is going on with a lot of other things other than French text books.

I teach you French and I make you learn, set question papers and correct the answer sheets. All these are just helping to learn a language or score well in your exams. In my heart of hearts, it doesn't mean anything great. But you, each one of you matters very much.

I know what a child is and when I look at your delicate faces, I can only throw away the trivial issues we have in class. For sure, I can say one thing: you, your parents and teachers, we are all mere puppets controlled by a system called education. Nothing is in our hands to choose. What they choose, we have to follow.

I wish we could interact more than learning and have some fun to melt the tension. The school is a park we all take a stroll for 8 hours with our friends, a place where we find some rest and solace. Exams are our only enemy, and that too one day becomes a habit.

Apart from academics, you and me, we have a life that we live. May be I am old enough to handle life or bold enough to ignore the issues. The more years I spend with you, the more I'm aware that many of you are handling a life, not knowing how to proceed. If I could teach you about life, if I could give you some guidance when you stand at cross roads, if I could take away the pain and stop your tears...

It breaks my heart when any child collapses when the burden of life is more than her strength. And I admire the way you bounce back and face life again. Your thoughts are so innocent and nobler than mine, and when my focus is to save you from the trouble, your focus will be to defend those who've hurt you. Your strong faith in God and His will make me your humble student. The hearts that aren't wicked or crooked, the love that forgives, the readiness to help...the list is long..but I learn from you every day.

I feel helpless when you're hurt and sad. I hate to see tears rolling or the effort that you take to hold it back. The frail bodies falling due to enormous weight on the head and heart, I wish you were courageous.

I'm not God to fix neither my problems nor yours. But I am totally sure that God can do anything and I have found that, that is the only thing I can do for you. If my presence or words ever soothed you, I thank God for that. At the same time, if I have increased your pain by my words or actions, I regret.

There is always something that goes on in the vehicle called life. But if you have the wisdom to take care of yourself, without hurting yourself with unnecessary thoughts and memories, you will go through life without breaking down. May the path be curved and narrow, or may it be an upward slope, or sometimes so rough with gutters. As long as we are inside the bus and if God drives it, why worry? 

Along the way I feel powerless before the syllabus and the score. All of you moulded in the same mould, leaving you no chance to even speak about your dreams, having no clue of what goes inside you, I feel as a failure as a teacher though I'm a good mark maker! I teach you only how your brain works, but not how to save your heart from hurts. 

Looking at you, teaching French is not my priority. The person called you, and the personality that you are, your thoughts, your views, your heartaches, your life matters much. But in the midst of all the classes and exams each one passes by without saying much. I get lost between the pressure of syllabus and my consciousness, without knowing whether to do justice to teaching or to help you to simplify life. French is just a pretext to be with you and to know you and to say at least a prayer for you. 

Between the mask of a teacher and the real desire of my heart, I hang without a way to do what my soul says. Even when I know that you have your reasons, I push you to do your best. I know the society and I know that you will cry more if you aren't equipped with at least basic education and discipline. I don't feel guilty, but surely feel inadequate to meet your needs. 

As you have, I too have limits. I'm trying to extend the way I can, but I wish I can be there in your needs, as a person to lift you up, a person you can share with, a love that can console you. Behind the veil of a teacher and a student, we have to admit that we need each other and we complement each other.

Tomorrow another day in school, exams, invigilation and evaluation...nothing is going to change the reality. Yet the fact that we are sailing in the same boat is comforting. May God help us to go through this journey and please remember that the teacher may fail to touch your life, but she is always your well wisher.

Though I am a teacher, I prefer to remain in my identity as a student who sat for hours on the bench, feeling the same as you feel now. I know what you are..at the end, an innocent life, who struggles and manages to bear the pressure of life.

Thanks for making me a teacher and a better human being. Even if I forget French, I won’t forget the lessons I learned from you..
Happy Children's Day!!

Thanks, with love, me...

If not a better India, at least a better Indian?

Bharat Matha or Mother India

Isn't it a name to symbolize tolerance?

We all are busy looking up to grow

Are we scared to see the misery around?

Sky is set as the target to scale

Haven’t we failed to run the race here?

We all know, yet try to highlight India

But can we ever call India, a home to live?

Body, mind and soul are murdered

Do we win when we destroy someone?

We prevent the extinction of animals and birds

Where are we when a human being dies?

We charge anyone who kills a deer or tiger

How do all escape after killing a human?

We blame it on the population often

When we are more, aren't we more powerful?  

Poverty is the second excuse assumed

Isn't it lack of civilization, the truth?

We have touched all continents on Earth

Have we succeeded in touching another life?

Boarding schools and old age homes multiply

How will we create a home without its members?

We have tried with all rulers' rule

Could anyone make India better than before?

We project our country as a super power 

Can we ignore the dirt that we walk on?

India is growing and glowing before the world

Why Indians never grow out of their boxes?

We have so many religions and faiths

How then we fail to love each other?

India has given its women, power to rule

Then why can't women walk on India's streets?

India's tradition, culture and customs

Aren't they really fairy tales told?

When we pretend that we are flying high

Do we even know where we stand?

We live in horror regardless of our class

Aren't we wearing a mask to look brave?

India’s pride is India’s power

Where in India can we find them both?

It may be better than some worse countries

Is comparison a resort to absolve our sins?

We'll surely leave this place now or later

But what have we left for our children to live?

We enjoy what our forefathers fought for 

Will our kids inherit a better country? 

What are we doing in Moon and Mars

When nothing is done on planet Earth?

When there's nothing here to eat and drink

Why worry if there's water in space?

If we can do something, let us wait for none

Don't we know to do what is just and right?

We may not succeed in making a better India

But who can stop us being better Indians?