Life with my poor brain!

I have heard a lot of times people saying this to me: 'Everything is your imagination. Everything is in your head. You think too much.' I truly lost hope when the doctors also started saying the same to me: when I went to a Cardiologist with a chest pain, to a Neurologist for the numbness on my feet etc. The worst blow was my visit to a famous orthopedic surgeon in Kerala. An Ortho in Chennai had already suggested a surgery to cure my lower back and neck pain and I went to Kerala to a second opinion from this experienced doctor. I took two days off from my job, took a train from Chennai and reached Kottayam. As I couldn't travel by bus, I took a taxi till home. The same evening I went with my mom by car to see this reputed Ortho.

We had to wait for an hour before he came to his cabin. I handed over my scan report and X-ray and narrated my plight. Without taking a look at the reports, he turned my back and neck in all angles possible. I wanted to scream, but I maintained my composure and may be that was probably the mistake I did! He just gave me back the reports and X-ray without even looking at them and told me bluntly: ‘You don’t have any problem. It is all psychological!’

I was nearly in tears and felt so furious because I had to pay 200 rupees (10 years back) for no good reason. Thanks to my cousin who is a pediatrician, I was sent to another Ortho and I managed to get some relief.

Then, for years I never visited any doctor as I developed an aversion towards them. I applied some balm and tied band on my forehead whenever my headache became unbearable. When my legs got tired I would dip them in warm water mixed with salt. I would relax when I had chest pain. Years went by and there came a day where I couldn't bear my headaches and I felt numb below my knees. So finally I decided to meet a Doctor!

I went to a neurologist. He gave me some tablets and told me to meet the physiotherapist and psychologist in the same hospital. I obeyed like a little girl. With much difficulty I climbed the steps to meet the physiotherapist on the first floor. He made me lie down, then stand, and then sit. Then he started his speech. ‘Madam, you must take two glasses of milk diluted with water, drink at least three litres of water, eat greens, egg whites, (a list of a few other goodies to eat) to improve your calcium level. Your muscles are weak and that’s why the nerves get stressed, so I have to teach you some exercises. But as you are weak now, I can’t do anything. For the next three days, take hot water shower (as hot as possible) for 15 minutes, morning and evening. And come back and I will test your stamina and then decide the exercises!! Continue with whatever work you normally do or else your nerves will go weaker’

He was getting to my nerves. Anyway as I had no other way, I obeyed what he said. In Salem’s hot weather, I sat under the hot shower for 15 minutes every morning for three days. I would come out of the bathroom so tired and lost. I pushed myself to school where I could hardly function. By evening I was almost dead and I decided not to be again in that 15 minutes inferno. I called him and told me that this is making me so tired and his reply was, ‘Madam, it is not tiredness, it is relaxation!’

Then came the appointment with the psychologist. She didn't get a clue of anything whatsoever. She told me this. ‘You have a lot of unfulfilled dreams in your mind. You aren't happy. So, we (she and I) have to make the ‘inner me’ happy. She suggested some breathing exercises; to inhale and hold the breath and exhale all the sadness out. I couldn't even breathe properly due to my chest pain and I hated the idea of digging all the past and segregate the sadness and exhale it out. I thought that is pure madness!

The tablets were making me sleepy and restless during the day and I was becoming weaker and weaker. I regretted going to the doctor as my condition before the treatment was at least manageable.

So I stopped the tablets, the hot water bath and didn't think of ever doing that stupid breathing exercise. My family suggested that I need physical exercise and I argued that none of the females in our family of any generation has done any exercise and no one has any problem whatsoever. But my physical condition was bad enough to get admitted to a hospital.

I decided to go to another neurologist. I went and told him my problem and made a statement: ‘My pain is real. I am not imagining anything. I am not making up stories.’ Shocked to hear it, he smiled and asked me the reason for my statement and I told him that I lost trust in Doctors because all blame my head and tell me to think positive.

He examined me physically and tested my grip with the fingers and toes. He asked me a few questions and was very happy with my positive answers about life. But then I heard the worst thing from him. ‘Yes, your problem is in your head!’

Before I got up from my seat he added, ‘I mean, with your brain. Probably there can be a chemical imbalance that causes the brain’s malfunctioning and I think if that is regulated, all your physical illness would go’ He further told me, ‘It is purely biological. It is not due to the external factors or thoughts. It must be treated as we treat a typhoid or malaria. No psychologist or counselor can help a positive person like you, as you think wise and straight. But I wonder how come as an educated person you ignored your symptoms for such a long time!’

 

To all the doctors who told me that the problem is in my head, I have only one doubt to ask. If heart or liver or kidney or lungs have a problem, you treat the patient. But when you suspect that there is a problem with the head, you leave the patient at the mercy of prayers or advice or positive thinking. Isn't head an organ? As much as each organ has a way to be healed or treated, shouldn't brain be treated and healed? And moreover that sly mocking smile when you say that suggests that anyone except a doctor is a fool?

I don’t know much about medicine. But one thing I am sure of. Brain causes feelings. Positive thoughts or advice or environment can nurture the brain and help it to heal. Negative thoughts and situations could damage the brain’s function. But if you have to feel good, your brain must make you feel good.

And my final statement is, even if the problem is with my head, my head is not in my hands for me to fix it.